Education for the Watch
by MysticShadowcat
Summary: Vetinari thinks Vimes and his men are not educated enough to be public servants. Now they have to attend classes he organized for them. Complete
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Lord Vetinari, the Watchmen and some others who might appear or be mentioned belong to Terry Pratchett.

A/N: Just some weird idea I had in music lesson and thought of as quite funny.

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**Education for the Watch**

**Prologue**

Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh and Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, starred at Lord Havelock Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, in disbelieve.

"Sorry, sir, I must have misunderstood you.", Vimes said.

"Oh, I think you understood me perfectly well, Commander. I think the the Watchmen, including you, are not as well educated as they should be as public servants. As far as I know some of your men can't even read."

"Oh, surely you mean Sergeant Detritus, he-"

"-I am not talking about Sergeant Detritus, neither about any of the other trolls."

Vimes stayed silent.

"You and your men will attend classes I organized for you after work for the next two or three weeks, depending on your progress. It will become more if you don't attend classes or refuse to work for them. You may leave now."

Vimes stood up and slowly left the room. He was not at all looking forward to tell these news to his men.

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Ok, that was the prologue. Please review and tell me what you think about it. You may also tell me if there's any Watchman you'd like to see in a special class. Like Detritus in Maths. Ideas in general are welcome. But please leave your email or sign in so I can contact you if I don't know a subject etc.

MysticShadowcat

xxx


	2. Day 1

MysticShadowcat proudly presents... Chapter 1!!!!

Thanks to JillSwinburne, Mad Possum, Adora Bell Dearheart, Ashandarei and RedEyesDarknessDragonLady for their Reviews. I will see which ideas I can use.

This chapter is for Mad Possum.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

* * *

**Day 1**

The Watch had indeed not been very happy about Vetinari's idea, but none of them felt like complaining. They all rather liked their live, or, in some cases, unlives. By the begin of their next shift, most of them had forgotten about it and the others were hoping it had all been a bad joke. Hopes were shattered and memories brought back when Vimes looked through his nightly wad of mail. There was a letter from the Patrician under it, saying:

_Commander,_

_today you will have your first class. You will all attend, no exceptions. The classes will start right after your shift, the address is stated below._

_On today's schedule is Biology with main focus on sex education._

_Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork_

When Vimes had finished reading it aloud, there was a lot of talking.

"He can't be serious, can he?"

"Who do you think will be teacher?"

"Maybe one of the Seamstress."

The Watchman who had said that grinned dirty.

"Are we going to be separated by gender?"

But the main question was:

"What the hell does a Watchman need sex education for?"

Nevertheless, after duty they all appeared at the stated address.

They were led into a huge classroom by a tall man with black curls, a moustache and a extremely deep voice. The smell of cigarettes around him was so strong that Angua suddenly felt faint.

There was a lot of chaos when the teacher told them to sit down. In the end a rather annoyed teacher told them there was not way Detritus could sit in the first and Mr Stronginthearm in the last row. All the trolls were sent to the last row, the dwarfs and Nobby Nobbs to the first and the others somewhere in the middle. Angua sat in the second row with Carrot on one and Cheri Littlebottom, who had refused to go to the front row, on the other side. Commander Vimes was sitting behind them with Fred Colon, Constable Visit and Reg Shoe.

Vimes stopped listening to the teacher right after the first sentence. He found that as a married man and father-to-be he didn't need sex education any more.

Looking to his right, he saw that Fred Colon seemed to have similar thoughts, as he wasn't paying attention at all, but tried to sharpen a pencil with his knife. Vimes watched him for a little while, because it was rather funny to see the pencil breaking every time it was almost sharp.

When that got boring, too, he turned around to the trolls behind him. They were playing tic-tac-toe, a game Fred had taught them. They really liked it, because it was just difficult enough to challenge but not overextend them. Of course sex education, or _human_ sex education, was not exactly interesting for them, either.

As watching trolls playing a game was like watching grass growing, he turned around again and now watched the rows in front of him. Carrot, just like the other dwarfs, was rather uncomfortable about all this, the only difference was that with a human being this was much better visible. He was sitting as far away from Angua as possible without sitting on the next chair and he was sitting even straighter than usual, though at the same time shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Vimes forbade himself to think that Carrot was sitting stiffly, even though that was definitely true, as 'stiff' could be er... misunderstood too easily in a lesson like this.

Angua didn't seem to have noticed yet, she was still looking very pale, had her eyes closed and breathed slowly. Vimes really pitied her.

Cheri Littlebottom next to her wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as Carrot and the other dwarfs which could be explained either by Cheri being a very modern and open-minded dwarf or by her not listening to the teacher, who was currently explaining the importance of a sonky, but reading a book about alchemy. Vimes thought that the latter was more likely.

The whole lesson was rather dull, up to the point when the teacher started to talk about the male and female genitals and some dwarfs obviously felt insulted and started shouting at the teacher in dwarfish. The teacher made a great mistake when he asked the dwarfs to calm down and behave, after all they were intelligent creatures. After about half a minute, a troll, who had finally noticed that it had been an indirect insult of his species, threw his snack, a large stone, at the teacher. It missed, but left a big hole in the chalkboard. The other trolls now started to thump the desks in anger. The dwarfs, now knowing that they were not alone, got out their axes.

Both Vimes and Carrot knew they should interrupt, but neither of them felt like doing so. In the end, the teacher shouted "Get out of here!!!!" and everyone left in relieve, leaving behind a destroyed chalkboard, several broken desks and a completely deranged biology teacher.

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That was it. If you would now be so kind and press that 'GO!' button down left there. Ideas are still welcome. I can't use all, some because I don't know the subjects, some because I can't think of funny things to happen, but I'm grateful for everything. 


	3. Day 2

Here is Chapter 2. I'm not always writing this fast, you'll usually have to wait a little bit longer.

Again I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed.

This is for Ashandarei, because it was her idea.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

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**Day 2**

When Vimes entered the Watch house the next day, Carrot and Nobby were arguing if Nobby was allowed to open the new letter from Vetinari or not. When Nobby saw him, he hurried towards him and waved with the letter.

"Here, sir, the new letter. Open it, sir."

"Good day to you, too, Nobby."

Nobby ignored this and almost forced Vimes to open the letter. He tried to take as long as possible, even though he also really wanted to know what it said, just to annoy the others. He read:

_Commander Vimes,_

_After the events of yesterday's class I will have to take steps I didn't quite want to take. But I have no choice. As your men don't seem to know how to behave, you will visit etiquette class today. If something like yesterday happens again, there will be serious consequences for you._

_Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork_

There was silence when Vimes finished reading. They all were shocked about what they had just heard. After a little while, Vimes opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't break the silence. But everybody could guess what he wanted to say.

"Etiquette class???? Oh no, please not."

It was pretty much what everybody thought.

The teacher this time was not as tall as the last one. His hair was already greyish and he had a mad glare.

They were led into a different classroom, as yesterday's was too damaged to be used. They sat down like yesterday.

Vimes had prepared for this lesson and had brought some documents he had to read, but when he got them out and started reading, the teacher immediately called:

"Your Grace, what did I just say?"

Vimes of course had no idea. They soon had to notice that where yesterday's teacher had not cared what they did, today's did and he also knew.

The teacher talked about how men had to behave when with a woman, which made Angua and Cheri giggle silently and Vimes want to kill them. Unfortunately that would send him to prison and take away two of his best women.

Then the teacher started to talk about how to talk to superior persons.

"Your Grace, how do you expect people to behave when talking to you?"

Vimes, who had been concentrating on the fly sitting on his desk, looked caught.

"Er... normal, I suppose."

The teacher gave him a lying-is-bad-you-silly-boy look, which was ignored by Vimes, and turned to Carrot, who had become his favourite 'student'. Vimes suspected Carrot of reading a book about etiquette before coming to Ankh-Morpork and now wanting to impress the teacher. He couldn't resist but wrote a little note and tossed it over Carrot's shoulder when the teacher wasn't looking in their direction. The Captain unfolded and read it, then turned to Vimes, his lips forming the words 'boot licker'. Vimes grinned, nodded and leaned back. Carrot shook his head and scribbled something, then sent the note back to his Commander. He read:

"You're behaving like a school boy, sir."

He answered:

"Right now I am a school boy. And don't write the b-word."

It took Carrot a little while to answer and send it back, because the teacher was currently questioning Cheri. When Vimes finally had it, it said:

"B-word? You mean b...ehave, sir? Behave, behave, behave..."

He was confused. That was so not like Carrot. A moment later he noticed why. The handwriting in this last note was different than the others, more female. Angua had butted in their 'conversation'. Sam took his pencil and wrote:

"Angua, you cheeky dog!"

After reading it she turned around to him and stuck her tongue out at him. Vimes wondered what had gone wrong that his men and women were this cheeky and disrespectful. Angua gave the note to Carrot, who read it and prepared to give it to Vimes when the teacher bellowed:

"Captain Carrot, Sergeant Angua, Your Grace!"

The three of them stopped dead.

"The Ankh-Morpork Post Office has got the exclusive rights to deliver letters. So would you please stop doing that?"

They blushed. Their fellow 'students' laughed.

"Nah nah, you shouldn't laugh at your superiors."

The laughing stopped and the teacher continued his almost-monologue on etiquettes.

-----------------------------------------------

That was not because he couldn't say a sound, though. It was more because Old Tom, the Unseen University's bell, was striking the time.

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Same as always, reviews and more ideas are requested. 

MysticShadowcat

xxx


	4. Day 3

Thanks to those who reviewed.

This chapter is for everyone who asked for arts.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

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**Day 3**

The next day , Carrot, who was always the first one ready for duty, took the letter so no one could read it before Commander Vimes arrived.

The first thing Nobby did was searching the mail for a letter from the palace. Busy with that he didn't see Angua giving an inquiring look to Carrot who then showed her the corner of a letter in his pocket.

When Vimes entered, Nobby said:

"No letter today, sir."

But Carrot had already handed the letter to Vimes, who now waved it smiling. Then he carefully opened it and read aloud:

_Commander,_

_I am pleased to hear that yesterday's class flew smoothly. Today you will have history and arts class in the HOAMIBFA Museum in Quirm Street._

_Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork_

Vimes looked up.

" HOAMIBFA Museum?"

"History Of Ankh-Morpork Illustrated By Famous Art.", said Carrot.

"I've been there, it's very interesting, the-"

He fell silent when he saw his colleagues' expressions.

"History and art.", complained Colon.

"This is getting worse."

"Yes, but we can't change it. We've got to go through with it. And now let's go to work.", said Vimes.

A young woman waited for them at the museum. She seemed to be one of the people who were always in a good mood.

They followed her inside.

"Welcome in the History Of Ankh-Morpork Illustrated By Famous Art Museum."

"That name is simply stupid! It's hard to remember and sounds so silly and unimaginative. Why not History and Art Museum of Ankh-Morpork or Ankh-Morporkian History and Art Museum?", whispered Vimes.

Angua chuckled.

"Right you are, sir."

They were led to a painting and the teacher asked:

"What does this painting show?"

Some constable who's name Vimes didn't remember right now slowly raised his hand. The teacher nodded at him.

"Er... a tree with people on it and the poor people are on the bottom and the rich and important people are on the top."

"Right!"

The teacher smiled at him. Vimes could see the constable blush.

"But what's at the very top?"

The man raised his hand again.

"More poor people.", he said.

"Exactly. And what does the artist want to tell us with that?"

The same man again. Vimes started to dislike him.

"The farmers and the workers and the poor people should stand higher than the useless rich."

"Why? The higher you stand, the further you can fall down.", whispered Fred Colon.

Vimes smiled and shrugged.

They continued their walk through the museum. It was mainly about the time of the Ankh-Morpork Civil War, but some paintings and statues showed the Glorious 25th of May and other major events of Ankh-Morporks History.

The teacher was annoyingly enthusiastic about the art and especially the artists, just as that nameless constable. They were pretty much the only people talking, except for the many whispered comments from Colon, Nobby, Angua and Vimes and the occasional information about something from Carrot.

The longer the lesson lasted, the more oblivious were the teacher and the constable of their surroundings.

Nobby and Fred started discussing why painting naked women was art while exotic dancing was vicious. After all the exotic dancers wore more clothes than the women in the paintings.

Vimes had asked Angua if the different colours the artists used smelled different and now listened to her explanations what the painting in front of them looked like through a werewolf's nose. It was far more interesting than what the teacher said.

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Please review ;-) 


	5. Day 4

I'm on holidays right now and actually have enough time to write, but I'm not sure if I get inspiration for more than one more chapter in this time.

Anyway, here's the next chapter, mostly for myself, but also for Adora Bell Dearheart.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed.

Enjoy!

MysticShadowcat

xxx

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**Day 4**

Someone knocked on the door of Commander Vimes's office. Vimes sighed and leaned back. He had been doing double shift and was tired and in a bad mood. He hoped for the knocker's sake that he didn't bring bad news. There was another knock.

"Come in.", said Vimes.

Captain Carrot entered. He held a letter in his hand. Vimes sighed again. He had hoped it wouldn't come, so he could go home after duty. Nevertheless he took and read it.

"They plotted!", he said when he had finished.

"Sir?", asked Carrot.

"That damned Vetinari and Sybil plotted!"

"Sir??", Carrot asked again, still not seeing what his Commander meant.

"Health and Nutrition Education, Carrot!"

Carrot starred at him in disbelief. Sex education was a laugh, at least for everyone who was not a dwarf. Etiquettes class was understandable. But Health and Nutrition Education was like a bad, bad joke. You couldn't do that to policemen, who were _the f_ast food consumers. It was like telling a cow to stop eating grass.

Eventually, Carrot said:

"I'd better go and tell the men."

Vimes nodded and Carrot left.

When Carrot walked down the stairs, everything became quiet and the attention was on him. He looked as if someone had died.

"Health and Nutrition Education.", he said, just loud enough for everyone to hear.

The silence stayed. The facial expression of every Watchman was exactly like Carrot's and it was the atmosphere of a cemetery.

Several hours later, Commander Vimes walked to the school. He was late, because there had been some documents he had to finish before doing anything else and his mood was even worse than before.

Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler walked around the corner and tried to sell a sausage-in-a-bun to the first person he saw. Unfortunately it turned out to be Commander Vimes, who grabbed him and dragged him through the streets babbling about 'public servants' and 'healthy food' and 'one hundred per cent organic'. Dibbler was sure the man was drunk, even though he didn't smell of alcohol.

Vimes dragged Dibbler into the classroom where the others were already waiting. The teacher, a woman again, looked confused and said:

"He is not a policeman, sir."

"No, but a self-employed public servant who really needs Health and Nutrition Education."

The teacher raised her eyebrows, but seemed to accept it. Vimes made Dibbler sit down. The poor man sat there, not knowing what was happening to him.

Only half of Vimes's mind was listening to class, the other one was watching Dibbler. The man seemed not at all shocked to hear how unhealthy what he sold was, which was probably because he had known all along. He was very interested, asked questions and took notes all the time. Vimes nudged Fred and together they watched Dibbler and, when the I-love-education-and-especially-arts constable started being a nerd again, they made small balls out of paper and threw them at him until one of them hit the teacher. They quickly starred at the paper in front of them and tried to look as attentive as possible. The teacher didn't say anything, but neither Vimes nor Colon dared trying it again.

Instead they turned to Nobby, who was playing with something Vimes couldn't identify, but what looked suspiciously like something from the HOAMIBFA Museum.

"Corporal Nobby Nobbs. You did not nick that in the museum yesterday, did you?"

Nobby tried to look innocent, but failed because someone known to be constantly nicking something couldn't look innocent in that matter, especially not for a Watchman.

"You will return it, did you hear me?"

"Yessir."

Vimes doubted that he would return it, but at least he had tried.

He tried to listen to the teacher again, but she was currently talking about digestion and Vimes found that knowing what went in and what came out was enough. He didn't need to know all the unappetising steps between that.

When the class was over, Dibbler grabbed his things and hurried out. When he passed Vimes, he said:

"Thank you, Commander, for this extremely interesting and illuminative lesson."

Vimes starred at him as he left the classroom smiling and humming.


	6. Day 5

This chapter is for 'Guess who'. 

Thanks to Adora Bell Dearheart and Mad Possum for their reviews.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

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**Day 5**

Vimes dreaded the next day's letter. He was not supposed to make other citizens attend the Watch's classes and Vetinari unfortunately sometimes really lacked a sense of humour.

And there was no way Vetinari wouldn't know about it.

But there was nothing about it in the letter. They were simply asked to be at the school after duty for music lesson.

When they arrived at the school, there was a surprise waiting for them. And it was not one of the nicer surprises. Lord Vetinari was waiting for them in front of the school.

"Need some education, sir?", asked Vimes cheerfully.

He somehow felt in the mood for suicide tonight.

"No, Commander. I am here to inspect how you are doing."

"Personally? Wow. I'm amazed. Honoured."

"No reason to become sarcastic, Vimes."

"Seriously."

"I heard that you made Mr CMOT Dibbler attend yesterday's class."

Vimes nodded.

"Is there any chance that we are going to be sold better food from now on?"

"I doubt it, sir. I'm afraid it's going to be the same, only better brought to market."

Vetinari nodded thoughtfully. Then he looked up.

"Ah, there is the teacher."

Vimes turned around and moaned. It was the teacher who had led them through the museum.

She greeted them cheerfully, but with a trace of nervousness that hadn't been there two days ago. Vimes felt pity for her. But at least she seemed to have known that Vetinari was going to inspect today and had had the chance to prepare.

They were led into a different classroom, one with a piano in it, which, of course, made sense for music class. Vimes saw Vetinari's eyes narrow when he saw the piano. What had the man expected? A brass band?

Once again there was chaos, because the arrangement of the chairs in this classroom was different from the others and nobody wanted to sit next to Vetinari or in front of him, which was impossible, because his Lordship sat down in the last row. In the end Vimes ended up next to him.

The teacher explained that today they were going to talk about the Disc's most famous composers and their most famous compositions. Vimes could hear Detritus ask Fred if composer was something like compost in what he believed was a whisper. It was loud enough to make the teacher look hurt, several Watchmen snigger and Vetinari shoot Vimes a 'What-did-I-tell-you' look. Vimes tried to save his men's honour by mouthing back "Troll". The look in Vetinari's eyes said "We'll see." and he leaned back.

It turned out to be another one of those classes where the teacher is pretty much a solo entertainer, except for Constable Nerd, how Vimes secretly called him. He really felt like finding out what that man's real name was and then either find an excuse for throwing him out or make sure that he was never promoted. Unfortunately that would be against the law and he would have to arrest himself or Carrot would do it when he found out.

The teacher announced that now they were going to look at the most famous composition of her favourite composer, a man called River, and handed out copies of the notes.

Vetinari smiled when he got his copy, but his smile faded rather quickly when the teacher said that she was going to play it on the piano, so they could hear what it sounded like.

She started to play. Vimes, who was watching Vetinari's expression started to worry about him.

"Sir? Are you all right? Sir??", he asked.

The Patrician didn't answer. He listened for almost a minute with a facial expression full of pain. Then he stood up and said so loudly that it was almost a yell

"That's enough! Stop it!"

and rushed out of the room, leaving a confused class and an even more confused teacher.

Eventually, the teacher recollected herself enough to tell them that today's class was over and ask them to leave the room. Of course, nobody questioned that, but happily accepted it as an order and went home.

* * *

This might need some explaining: In some book, I think it might be Soul Music, but I'm not sure, we learn that Vetinari "enjoys _reading_ written music, because the idea of it being performed by people, with all the sweat and saliva involved, strikes him as distasteful" (Wikipedia, Havelock Vetinari) (I'm addicted to Wikipedia!).

Please review!!!!

Vetinari, not the look in his eyes.


	7. Day 6

Sorry, this took me a while. School has been a bit stressful and inspiration was a bit low. But this chapter is a bit longer that the last ones. And I'll try to finish the next one soon.

Thanks to those who reviewed.

This chap is for everybody who wanted English or Morporkian class.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

* * *

**Day 6**

The clock went tic-toc tictoc tic-toc tic---toctic. Vimes didn't care. He had learned to ignore it. The clock went on, getting closer and closer to clock hour. Vimes was sure he had never wanted the door to open this much. He was curious what Vetinari was going to say about that last class.

Drumknott opened the door precisely when the watch hand touched the twelve. That seemed to be a prerequisite for being a secretary, like always having a hot cup of coffee was a prerequisite for butlers.

When Vimes entered the Oblong Office, Vetinari was reading through some documents. Vimes saluted even though the Patrician didn't look up and then sat down. After about a minute, Vetinari finally looked up from his documents and started speaking.

"Commander."

"Sir."

His Lordships eyes and face said "Sorry for what happened yesterday." while his mouth said

"After the incidents in music lesson yesterday I decided to go on with something less risky."

Vimes wondered what was risky in music class, except that Angua might have become deaf, because the teacher played the piano so badly, but didn't say so. But his thoughts must have been obvious, because Vetinari's look said "You've got no idea."

"However," Vetinari continued as if nothing had happened.

"you will have Morporkian class tonight and tomorrow."

"Morporkian? You mean the language? That's not necessary, sir. Everybody in the Watch speaks Morporkian."

"Sir Samuel, this is a report written by one of you men, I will not tell you by whom, but this report makes it clear, to me that Morporkian class is indeed necessary."

Vetinari took a document, cleared his throat and started to read aloud.

"I comma have followed the suspect until comma he diesappeared comma in a crowd comma I have not been able comma to recognize him comma he has probably just arrived from a foriegn comma country..."

Vetinari looked up.

"Do you want to hear more?"

Vimes shook his head. Of course he knew who had written that report. The punctuation made it perfectly clear and Vetinari had even managed to pronounce some of the spelling mistakes. It could only have been written by Captain Carrot. Captain Carrot, who had, back when he arrived in Ankh-Morpork, been able to write almost mistake-free Morporkian, but had, unfortunately, adjusted to the common street Morporkian, which was full of mistakes, and by now even topped it, especially the punctuation.

"Commander, do you see why I think that this class is necessary?"

Vimes nodded. Yes, he could see Vetinari's point. He even agreed with the Patrician, but he also knew that it wouldn't be of much use.

Several hours later they were led into a classroom by a small woman with curly hair. When she started to talk, Vimes felt as if he was in a class for people without a brain. The teacher talked slowly and way too articulated. Plus, the movement of the lips was so exaggerated that there was not a muscle above her shoulders that didn't move when she said something. Her hands were gesticulating as if they had a life of their own.

She asked them to get out something to write and then began to dictate a text so she could see where the problems were.

Since he had been promoted to Commander, Vimes had become very skilled at writing fast, correct and without thinking to much. He was the first one to be finished and while the teacher repeated the text over and over again, he could lean back and watch the others.

Carrot seemed to be very concentrated, the tip of his tongue in the corner of his mouth and, no doubt, torturing punctuation once again. Angua finished as Vimes was watching, turned around and smiled, nodding at the man next to her. Vimes turned his attention towards Fred Colon, when Angua started to help Carrot. Fred was not nearly finished, almost drawing every letter, his face, too, a mask of concentration. Vimes sighed and and put his paper next to the Sergeant's. Fred smiled at him thankfully and started to copy what Vimes had written. Now, Vimes turned around to the trolls, who seemed to have given up after the first four words and were playing tic-tac-toe again.

It seemed to take an eternity until finally everybody had finished writing and given the papers to the teacher. By then, Vimes had written his weekly report for Vetinari and Angua had plaited Cheery's beard.

Some minutes later, they left the classroom. The teacher had promised that by tomorrow she would have corrected what they had written and they could have proper class. Nobody was looking forward to it.

* * *

Sorry, if that report wasn't written like Carrot does. I don't know how he writes, I've never read a book where he does in English.

Please, review!

MysticShadowcat

xxx


	8. Day 7

Yup, it took me a bit longer again and I can explain it:

I usually don't leave a story, especially not when I already started to publish it, but sometimes the stories leave me. That is what happened here. After lots of time trying to write something, retyping twice, a complete lack of inspiration particles and several plot bunnies I decided that the best thing is if I finish this story as soon as possible. So that means there's Day 8 and the epilogue left. Sorry to all those whose ideas I didn't use. I wanted to, I really did, but the inspiration particles control me and if they come, I have to write and if they don't I can't.

Well, anyway, here's Day 7, second part of the Morporkian double lesson, still to all those who wanted it.

Thanks for the reviews.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

* * *

**Day 7**

The next day, Vimes waited for the daily letter and it took him several hours until he remembered that they had Morporkian class again. He groaned. That was not fair. He would rather go through another music lesson than through Morporkian or anything with that teacher. The last lesson had been a nightmare and Vimes felt that this one was going to be even worse, because this time, it was not about writing, but about learning how to write correct.

He should be right. While their Morporkian teacher started to talk about their dictations, Vimes thought that he now knew what Detritus felt like. It seemed to him, that his brain cells shut down, packed their things and ran away. He felt the urge to follow them. But he had to resist, not because he didn't want to miss the lesson, but because standing up and fleeing the lesson would not exactly be a good example for his men. So he leaned back and tried not to concentrate on class. But somehow that was not possible. No matter how hard he tried, no matter on what he concentrated or what he thought about, after half a minute he was watching the strange movements of the teacher's hands and face and listening to that maddening way of talking again.

Vimes hands clutched the table, he closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing. The next thing he noticed was that his eyes were open again and watching the teacher. It got annoying. He tried to talk to Fred, but the man didn't even really listen, caught by the same spell that was torturing the Commander.

Vimes let his eyes travel. It seemed that every single person in this room except for the trolls was attentive. No one whispered with his neighbour, no one read or wrote or drew. It was scary. He turned around to the trolls who were left cold by the events in the class room. That was probably because they had problems enough saying long sentences, so spelling and punctuation were their least problems. Vimes almost envied them. They had no problems with not being attentive and even if they would listen, it was not cold enough for the brain cells to notice that they were tortured and run away. The teacher was talking to rocks. Literally.

As watching trolls play tic-tac-toe is neither very interesting nor varied, he gave it up soon and looked for something different to kill time. He found it where he had least expected it: on the chalkboard. Two of the sentences the teacher had written down to explain punctuation and spelling rules where grammatically incorrect. Vimes felt like laughing out loudly. This feeling intensified when one of his troll officers bent forward and asked him in a low voice:

"Mr Vimes, should that sentence not be different?"

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, trolls were not very skilled in whispering and so it could be heard through the whole classroom. Vimes chuckled as the teacher stared at them accusingly. He couldn't resist and said:

"He's right, you know. The first and the fourth sentence aren't right like that."

The teacher hesitated but then turned around to the chalkboard. She blushed and then hurried to change the sentences murmuring something about "so close... can't see what you write...".

Vimes leaned back again, still chuckling. But he hadn't thought of the teacher's pride. She seemed to think that if he was so clever, there was no reason why she shouldn't ask him stuff every five minutes for the rest of the lesson. What she hadn't thought of was that there really was no reason and as he wasn't able to be inattentive anyway, Vimes didn't mind.


	9. Day 8

It's me again. waves

After those two reviews I got telling me to go on writing I sat down and tried again, but to my and (hopefully (don't get me wrong!)) your disappointment, it didn't work. I'm not going to stop writing completely, I'd go mad if I would, but this definitely is the last chapter of Education for the Watch.

I want to thank all those who ever reviewed and especially those who gave me ideas. I want to thank my teacher for, without knowing it, giving me so much inspiration that sometimes I felt like I was going to explode. And because you were so nice I'll write you an epilogue today or tomorrow.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

* * *

**Day 8**

Somebody knocked at the door. Vimes, who sat leaned back in his chair, desperately trying not to fall asleep, a task where the fact that he had his eyes closed didn't help a lot, said:

"Come in, Captain."

Carrot entered.

"Mr Vimes, the letter from Lord Vetinari has arrived."

"Please tell me it's not Morporkian again."

Carrot, who hadn't opened the letter yet, hesitated for a moment and then decided that this had been an order to open the letter. Having done so, he quickly read through it. When he had finished, he looked up to his Commander who was still sitting there in exactly the same position like when he had entered.

"Alchemy, sir."

Now Vimes looked up.

"Alchemy? You mean Alchemy as in alchemist?"

"I'm afraid yes, sir."

"Oh no. Can he do that? Isn't that a threat to public safety?"

"I don't think so."

Vimes groaned and Carrot decided that it was best to leave him alone now.

Several hours later they were all standing in front of the school.

"Cheery, I want you to spend attention and warn us if the teacher is doing anything dangerous.", Vimes said.

"Yessir."

Some minutes later they followed a small, fat man with greyish hair inside. Once they were in the classroom, they started a row, because everybody wanted to sit as close to the door as possible. It took them quite long to notice that, as they were in the ground floor, the windows also were a possible escape route. So soon half of the Watchmen sat close to the door and the other half at the windows. Between them there was a huge gap.

When the lesson started no one was doing anything. Everybody was watching either Cheery or the teacher for a sign that whatever the alchemist was doing wasn't explosive. If he would have stopped talking and fussing about with strange glass instruments, it would have been absolutely silent. No one talked, no one moved. In comparison with the class room, a graveyard was like the Mended Drum at late evening(1).

For quite a while, nothing happened. The class stayed silent and the teacher obviously had forgotten that there were other people in the room. In any other class that would have been relaxing, but here it seemed to raise the tension.

After twenty minutes, the teacher started babbling about 'alkane' and other things Vimes didn't understand and suddenly Cheery yelled:

"Get out!!!"

She didn't have to say it twice. The teacher didn't even notice them leaving the room in a hurry.

When they gathered outside, Vimes opened his mouth to ask if everybody was missing when the building exploded.

"What was that?", he shouted.

"An explosion, sir!", Carrot shouted back.

"Yes, I mean... What about the teacher?"

"Don't worry, sir. He's old.", Cheery answered.

"That's exactly what I mean."

"Mr Vimes, if a alchemist is old that means he's particularly good at surviving explosions."

And really, in that moment a black stained and rather confused alchemist tumbled towards them.

"Good, well it seems that was it with lessons for today. You may go home or where ever you want or have to go now.", Vimes dismissed the Watchmen.

---------------------------------------

(1)Especially on the Disc, where you couldn't be sure that the dead were actually going to stay in their graves.


	10. Epilogue

So this is the end. I think I already said everything that needs to be said.

Once again thanks to everybody who feels that I should thank him.

Reviews are still welcome. They always are. ;-)

I hope you enjoyed it.

MysticShadowcat

xxx

**Epilogue**

"I am afraid that, after this unfortunate incident yesterday, we can't continue your classes, Commander.", Vetinari said looking over the top of a report.

Unfortunate? , Vimes thought.

No one got killed, no one got hurt and we got rid of our classes. Where's the unfortunate part? 

But he said:

"My men are strong. I believe they will be able to handle this loss, sir."

Where his eyes making a fool of him or had that just been a smile on the Patrician's face?

"Yes, I think they will. That was everything, Commander. You may leave."

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

On Sator Square there stood a exceptionally bad tempered Dibbler trying to sell healthy sausages with many trace elements, vitamins and mineral nutrients. Business was going worse than ever, because there always where people, especially travelers, who would buy a sausage-inna-bun. But it's natural for humans to distrust anything they don't know, especially if it's got names like vitamins. Of course nobody cared that the sausages where the same as ever.

The next day he sold his sausages normally again.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The very same day, Constable Nerd entered Vimes' office and stated that he wanted to quit and become a teacher.

After he left, something that had been difficult for the last week became almost impossible: finding voluntary patrols for the district where both the HOAMIBFA Museum and what once had been the school where in. The Watchmen wanted to avoid meeting one of the teachers again and would rather patrol the Shades at night than there at day.


End file.
